Hoi An Essence – Hotel Review

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I’m in two minds to start an eBook entitled ‘The hotels that point toilet paper’ or something slightly more uplifting, ‘My birds ass on balconies’. Perhaps these books would be better suited in a coffee table format, either way, toilet paper will be involved. I digress, crikey where was I?


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I know, I was in Hoi An, Vietnam. These are pictures taken from the Hoi An Essence, a hotel about 10 minute walk off the Old Quarter that’s home to about 400 tailors. I’ve penned a few thoughts on that over here.


Normally I make a dash to the toilet and get a picture for the blog before the missus turns it into some kind of science lab with all her lipstick, moisturiser, Christ knows what else. Honestly, it looks like she just raided Superdrug half the time.


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I’m always fascinated about the folding of toilet paper in hotels. Had I been Jonny-on-the-Spot with the camera I could have got the picture of the year as there was a Gekko sitting on top of this holder. They’re filled with them this hotel. But they’re friendly enough. There’s also rats an’ all. They also seem quite chilled out.


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There’s a couple of pools in this complex. This is the main one opposite the breakfast bar. Nothing makes you feel more fucking washed-up than watching the next Michael Phelps do 100 laps in the pool beside you, whilst you gorge on sausages, drinking coffee, shades on, last nights vodka welling in the corners of your eyes.


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This worked out to be £80 odd sheets a night. Compare that to the 120 odd euros we shelled out for a box room in the A-Train hotel in Amsterdam. Jesus if that was A-Train this was Hotel Hyperloop. (Thank you, little mechanical engineering gag for you there).


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I checked my diary just now as it’s been a couple of months between visiting and writing this. All it says is ‘the bell boy took the luggage to our room over his shoulder, even though it has wheels on the bottom‘. I remember that made me laugh.


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