The Ultimate Guide to becoming a Lifestyle Blogger

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Blogging is blagging 98% of the time. It’s one of the laziest forms of writing, second only to being a children’s author. As someone once said ‘Blogs are graffiti with punctuation‘. You see, how lazy am I, I can’t even be bothered to google who said that. If you’re looking to get into the trade, here are some of the golden rules you need to know.


Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by going to Starbucks in the morning and taking endless pictures of your coffee from a birds eye view taking up the whole f**king table in the process.

WEB-bigstock-Notepad-laptop-and-coffee-cup-47960903

make that coffee last an hour a*shole

Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by having someone take a picture of you drinking coffee looking deep in thought, with your sleeve purposely rolled so we can see your designer watch … that you got for free.

Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by telling yourself you’re a lifestyle blogger, and you’re style of writing is more interesting than any other lifestyle blogger.

Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by copy and pasting the entire contents of a press release into your article before you write it, then contemplate putting your head in the oven when you realise the person who wrote the press release is a much better writer than you are.

Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by tagging yourself on social media in airports when you drop off a friend, making people believe you’re going on ANOTHER holiday.

Man on smart phone - young business man in airport. Casual urban professional businessman using smartphone smiling happy inside office building or airport. Handsome man wearing suit jacket indoors.

Just nipping over to Berlin – TAG – Gatwick Airport. Bullcrap mate.

Have other people think you’re a lifestyle blogger by always carrying the latest edition of Yachting Monthly.

Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by mixing up some euros in your loose change. Then when buying Yachting Monthly, have the cute cashier think you’re well travelled by asking ‘I don’t suppose you accept euros do you?’

Have you’re friends believe you’re a lifestyle blogger by ordering a whiskey, taking a sip then then saying ‘I’m getting vanilla notes and burnt caramel.’

draper

(takes a sip) hmmm it’s pushy, but not assertive.

Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by constantly checking your word count when you write articles.

Pretend you’re a lifestyle blogger by posting aimless motivational quotes on Instagram whilst hungover on the couch, instructing people to get off the couch and make a difference.

You-can-make-a-difference

More empty calories

 

2 Comments

  1. Cunt Research...
    April 8, 2016 / 7:50 pm

    The Ultimate Guide to becoming a Cunt…

    • April 9, 2016 / 12:18 pm

      Haha he’s back. Thanks for dropping by, keep up the good work.

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